I used to punish myself for falling into the endless vortex of the internet. Yes, I read those books, Carl Newport is my lighthouse, I quit all big social media platforms, Freedom.io is one of the few apps on my home screen, I was so close to ordering the Light Phone from the US. Yes, I “signed up” for the whole detox scheme.
I’m some sort of all-or-nothing person. Big time!
Until I changed my living scenery (a beautiful quiet town near the beach, jealous?) and got a simple 9–5 job (not so jealous?). Being a freelance with an entrepreneur dream and living in a fast-paced city gave me so much pressure and little boundary. I felt like I was constantly working, constantly needing to hustle, constantly failing to meet the high expectations I set for myself. I soon realized it’s too taxing for my poor little headspace.
Beautiful beach in front of my house. Tell me why do I have to crave for a Friday night or a long vacation while this is just my day-to-day life?
Until I adjusted my expectation, what can I compromise and what not. I’m being much kinder toward myself. It’s ok now to play phone a little here and there. Cause I work enough for the whole day from 9–5 during work week, I’m content with this new structure and the modest earning, my free time is strictly for free wandering on the internet, around the house, making as many as mistakes and indulging on as many as un-optimized tasks as possible…. because I can afford it. I have time for the un-productivities now.
My relationships with productivity, boundaries, and self-kindness are slowly change. I’m now in a space where I’m able to embrace balance and allow myself to let go of the rigid expectations of always being “on.”
My new challenge is that aimlessly scrolling the internet no longer gives me the satisfaction it used to. My needs have shifted. These days, my body demands more movement; it’s not used to sitting behind a desk for that long hours. I’ve found peace in my routine, but now both my body and mind are asking for more engagement — whether through physical movement, social engagement or creative stimulation.
So, in a way, when I stay true to myself and practice gentleness, things start to fall into its place. I don’t have to follow the whole “anti-scheme” anymore. I get way more joy when I allow space for unproductivity, and in that freedom, I’ve learned that joy and peace are my ultimate currency.